RATLIFF 35/2012

THE ONE WHERE OBAMA COPIES ME AGAIN

So, last week, the Obama campaign took notice of my F•R•I•E•N•DS 4 VP initiative and decided to nab prominent Friends guest star (Season One, Episode 17) GEORGE CLOONEY for a big publicity dinner at Clooney’s house. The timing of this is beyond suspicious…

This week, the President took a second page from my playbook by appearing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, a New York City-based late night talk show.

I happen to appear frequently on a New York City-based late night talk show, The Chris Gethard Show. In fact, I launched my campaign there. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I have to say: you flatter me, Mr. President.

They are copying me because we are obviously doing something right. After all, we are still in this race, unlike all the people who have wasted millions and millions of dollars only to drop out. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has blown a small fortune to get where he is now, only for polls to show that even the people who LIKE him don’t like him.

Now the bad news: none of the 6 F•R•I•E•N•D•S have responded to my messages on twitter, asking them to be my Vice Presidential running mate.

I spent all day Tuesday tweeting about Cougar Town, Courteney Cox’s TV show, and I didn’t even get as much as a retweet. If she has noticed me at all, my assumption is that I must be annoying her, because she responds to all sorts of other tweets.

What’s worse is that I haven’t heard a peep from ANY of the literally hundreds of people who were ever on FRIENDS! Not one! The offer stands: if you can prove you were on an episode of Friends, get in touch with me on twitter (@35ratliff2012), okay?

Topping it all off, I am THIS CLOSE to getting banned from a Friends message board. The administrators don’t want me to talk about my campaign! They say it’s SPAM, and they keep deleting my posts! It’s really depressing.

It’s NOT Spam,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States

THE ONE WHERE I EXPAND MY VICE PRESIDENTIAL OFFER TO OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE ALSO ON F•R•I•E•N•D•S

So, I haven’t heard from any of the main 6 F•R•I•E•N•D•S yet. I’m still not giving up. They are complicated people with busy lives who have probably never heard of me before. 

But I can’t sit around forever waiting for them. So I’m expanding my Vice Presidential offer to include other people who were also on NBC’s TV show Friends.

Were you ever on Friends? Do you know someone who was? If so, please watch the video above and get in touch with my campaign on Twitter (@35Ratliff2012). It’s super important.

How YOU Doin’,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States Of America 

THE ONE WHERE IT’S LIKE “IF I DON’T HEAR FROM THE F•R•I•E•N•D•S TODAY…” 

Okay, so it’s been nearly one week, and no word from any of The F•R•I•E•N•D•S regarding my Vice Presidential offer. This could mean a number of things:

1. None of them want to be my Vice President

This could be true for a number of reasons:

• They’ve never heard of me and/or they think I’m a nutcase
• They are too busy
• They don’t want the pressure of maybe having to become President
• They don’t like me
• They hate politics
• They hate governance
• They are actively supporting another candidate for President

2. They haven’t seen either my appearance last week on The Chris Gethard Show or any of the numerous messages I’ve left for them on Twitter. This is at least partially possible. As I’ve stated before, Friends Rachel and Joey are not on Twitter. I was kind of hoping they would hear about this VP offer from the other Friends, and that if they didn’t, it would be because the 4 who are on Twitter were keeping it to themselves because they wanted to claim the job for themselves. Friend Ross doesn’t seem to be active on Twitter recently, but Friends Monica, Chandler and Phoebe have all been active enough in the past week that it seems unlikely that they could have missed the many tweets I’ve sent their way…

3. I can’t think of any other scenarios. They either don’t know about it or they don’t want it.

I guess what I’m hoping is that they are all procrastinators and that I will hear from them today. That would be so wonderful, what a nice surprise, like how Monica and Chandler wound up together and ended up being a better couple than Ross and Rachel. No one saw that coming, right? Maybe this is like that.

Anyway, if I don’t hear from them today, I’m going to be making a Major Announcement on The Chris Gethard Show tonight that will change the shape of my Vice Presidential Selection Process in a big way. Be sure to watch!

Like I’ve Been There Before,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States Of America

THE ONE WHERE I AM ON THE VERGE OF GIVING UP ON THE F•R•I•E•N•D•S

So it’s starting to look like none of The F•R•I•E•N•D•S are ever going to reply to my offer to be my Vice Presidential running mate. Then again, it could still happen at any moment. I am not giving up.

Here’s how it’s looking so far:

FRIEND MONICA is still the odds-on favorite. If anyone is going to respond at all, I think it will be her. She’s active on Twitter, and I have made it clear that, should she agree to be my running mate, I will use every opportunity to divert my campaign’s resources towards promoting her current ABC show Cougar Town. I will do whatever it takes to keep that show on the air. (Although after Election Day, she will probably have to quit the show in order to serve as Vice President.) 

FRIEND PHOEBE is probably the next most likely to lend a hand to an underdog campaign like ours. Her background in improv with The Groundlings, and her inclination towards off-the-beaten-path projects such as The Comeback and her current Showtime series Web Therapy (which itself began as a web series) make her all the more likely to embrace a program like The Chris Gethard Show, which has served as the launching pad for my candidacy.  

FRIEND ROSS is a native New Yorker who spends at least some of the time living here, which makes it at least semi-plausible to imagine he might drop by the MNN studios on a random Wednesday night for a surprise campaign appearance. Down side: his personal twitter account has been dormant since August 2011.

FRIEND CHANDLER is semi-active on Twitter, so who knows? Maybe.

FRIENDS RACHEL and JOEY are the true long shots. Realistically, they are the least likely to even hear about the offer, since neither of them are on Twitter.

Am I a fool to think this could still work out? Perhaps. But stranger things have happened. I am going to keep trying, because I believe that one of them will ultimately learn about my offer, tweet the word “yes” to me, and the rest will be History.

No one told me life was gonna be this way,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States Of America

It’s Day 2 and I’m still waiting for any of the 6 FRIENDS to get back to me. Of course, it’s a big holiday weekend, so perhaps it’s unrealistic to assume I’ll hear anything before Monday or Tuesday.

Got the following response from an admittedly false “Jennifer Aniston” twitter account:

Far too busy to run for office, but hope that @LisaKudrow will accept the Vice Presidential offer from @35ratliff2012.

So that’s something, right? Fake Jennifer Aniston turns me down but endorses Actual Lisa Kudrow for VP!

If any of The FRIENDS is reading this, know that all I need for you to do is agree that you will be my Vice President. I don’t require a single campaign appearance, or any campaign work, you won’t need to donate a moment of your time between now and election day if you don’t want to. I just need you on the ticket to help me get elected. Then, when I’m President, if anything happens to me that makes it so I can’t be President anymore, you have to be President. That’s the whole deal.

Oh, also: if you haven’t seen this week’s episode of The Chris Gethard Show, that’s where I first made the offer for one of you 6 to be my VP. You can watch the whole episode here. 

Oh man. I really hope I hear from one of you before Monday. It would really make my weekend.

Not My Day,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States Of America

P.S. If anyone out there wants to help this effort out by making Ratliff/Friends “fan art” of any kind— photos, drawings, animated GIFs, clips where you insert me into scenes from episodes of Friends, songs, etc…  it would be greatly appreciated. I need all the help I can get if I am going to get one of the Friends to be my VP.

THE ONE WHERE I’M WAITING TO HEAR FROM ANY OF THE F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Okay, so it’s been more than 24 hours since I went on The Chris Gethard Show and offered the Vice Presidential slot to any of the six FRIENDS from NBC’s Friends.

So far, I’ve heard nothing. But it’s too early to panic.

For one thing, two of the Friends— Friend Joey and Friend Rachel— are not on Twitter, and it’s likely that it may take a few days before word reaches them about this offer. It puts them at an unfortunate disadvantage, but they may wind up getting lucky if the other four are procrastinators.  

As for the four Friends who are active on Twitter— Friend Monica, Friend Ross, Friend Chandler and Friend Phoebe— none of them have tweeted today. So it’s possible that they might not be aware of the offer yet. Friend Monica and Friend Chandler haven’t tweeted since Tuesday, and Friend Ross’s last tweet was in August 2011, which indicates he may have given up on Social Networking. Friend Phoebe’s account is “managed”, meaning she has people who are essentially in charge of it for her, but this could actually be an advantage if her staff members have their act together.

The biggest disappointment of the day was when I received the following response:

@35ratliff2012 Could I beeeee anymore excited to accept your offer of candidacy for vice president?

Sadly, a careful examination of this account points to it being a fake. Still, there is a slim chance that Matthew Perry set up a new account (using the alternate “Chanandler” spelling) just to tweet his answer to me. If this turns out to be the case, history will show that Matthew Perry responded promptly to my offer and later became Vice President of the United States Of America.

Thanks to those who tweeted at the Friends for me today. I need all the help I can get in order to make this happen, and any support that you can provide my campaign would be most welcome. 

Stuck In Second Gear,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States

THE ONE WHERE ONE OF YOU AGREES TO BE MY VICE PRESIDENT

An Open Letter To The F•R•I•E•N•D•S 

From Presidential Candidate Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

Dear Friends Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler & Joey,

My name is Connor Ratliff.

In order to become President Of The United States, you must be at least 35 years old. I am 36 years old. THAT’S old enough to be President.

Picking a Vice Presidential nominee is a tricky business, and most candidates look to pick an individual who brings “balance” to the ticket, to add something that is otherwise lacking in the campaign.

In my case, I need a VP whom everybody likes.

And who doesn’t like The F•R•I•E•N•D•S? 

Nobody, that’s who. That’s why I’m asking one of you to be my Vice President. Officially. (This is me asking, right now. I know, you’re probably in shock. It’s understandable. This is a big deal.)

My main concern is that I don’t want you all fighting over it. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I would hate to think that it would lead to any lingering bad feeling, like when Ross cheated on Rachel with the girl from the copy shop. But the simple fact is that I can only select one of you, so it’s gonna have to be First Come, First Served. Whoever gets back to me first gets the job. If you’re too slow to respond, or I don’t see it in time, then the best I can offer you is a high ranking cabinet position or an ambassadorship. It is my sincere hope that this doesn’t get ugly.

Your theme song says that you will “be there” for “me” and in nearly two decades, this is the first time I am calling in that favor. I am asking you not only to be “there” for ME, but to be there for The American People. Because I will be there for you, too.

Remember: the first one I hear a “yes” from is the Vice President. That’s the deal.

YOUR Friend,

Connor Ratliff (Age 36)

The Next President Of The United States Of America

P.S. my twitter is @35ratliff2012. If you tweet “Yes, I will be your VP” to me, that’s all I’ll require. I know you’re busy.