A FEW OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED MY CAMPAIGN SO FAR
As you may know, I’ve been running for President for almost a year, and I’ve been doing it for no money and with no organized staff, while the other candidates— including all the losers who are already OUT of the race, as I predicted— wasted literally millions of dollars for no reason.
Well, it’s June now, and I have less than 6 months until Election Day, so I’m going to start adding some campaign staff, starting tomorrow.
However, this is probably a good moment to thank some of the people who have helped my campaign so far:
CHRIS GETHARD: obviously, without Mr. Gethard and his public access talk show, I would probably have made zero appearances on television. Instead, I have made approximately dozens. I announced my candidacy on his show, which has since been praised by The New York Times. That puts me literally one degree away from being endorsed by The New York Times, which would obviously be a game changer.
LARRY HANKIN: My Vice Presidential running mate, Mr. Hankin, has been nominated for an Academy Award®, and has appeared in such notable films and television shows as: Friends, Breaking Bad, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, The Sarah Silverman Program, My Name Is Earl, Joan Of Arcadia, Monk, ER, Walker Texas Ranger, Party Of Five, The Tony Danza Show, Vegas Vacation, Home Improvement, Ellen, Star Trek: Voyager, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman, Billy Madison, It’s Pat, Step By Step, Married With Children, Mad About You, Seinfeld, L.A. Law, Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Matlock, Mr. Belvedere, She’s Having A Baby, Jake & The Fatman, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, ALF, Newhart, Hill Street Blues, The Sting II, WKRP In Cincinnati, The Jerk, Benson, Laverne & Shirley, and That Girl.
Top that, Joe Biden or whatever poor sap agrees to hang out with Mitt Romney.
SCOTT HOLMES: I don’t want to say too much about Mr. Holmes, except that he is my personal security guard. You can see him in my televised debate with Jimmy McMillan, but most of the time you won’t see him at all, until you try to mess with me. Then you’ll see his boot on your neck, because you do NOT mess with me, you dig?
MAELLE DOLIVEUX: If you have seen my campaign posters or most of my campaign merchandise, you have seen the handiwork of Ms. Doliveux. She is a foreign-born artist, and I’m saying that and just getting it out there in the open so it doesn’t come out as some sort of big scandal I have to deal with later in the year.
CASEY JOST: He just wrote and recorded my new campaign anthem, “Born To Run For President.” He keeps calling it “BORN the right year TO RUN” but it’s my campaign so I think I get to say what the song is called. The world premiere of this song happened midway through my game-changing WFMU interview last week.
CATHRYN MUDON: My personal stylist, Cathryn, is frequently absent before important campaign appearances and I have to do my hair myself. She then criticizes it, as if it wasn’t her fault that she was MIA. (There is almost no way I’m not firing her the SECOND I become President.)
MATT MAYER: When my running mate accidentally gave me the nickname “Connor Stillman” in his acceptance video, I called upon the talented Mr. Mayer to design a superhero alter ego called “STILLMAN” and he delivered this artwork less than 3 hours after I asked him to do it.
JON BERSHAD: This man deserves a Pulitzer for his early coverage of my campaign for the website Mediaite. Not part of my staff, obviously, he is a completely objective journalist in no way affiliated with the campaign. In fact, he hasn’t written a story about me in many months, which probably means he is saving up for a big Jonathan Alter-style book to be published in early 2013, right?
DYNA MOE: In addition to providing the campaign with the limited edition batch of RATLIFF35/2012 buttons (sure to become “collector’s items”), Ms. Moe provided this piece of campaign-inspired art. Please purchase her Hipster Animals merch or hire her to do art for money.
WILL HINES: Mr. Hines works for the Carter-Hurst research firm and ran a focus group for my campaign. I’m mentioning him here purely out of courtesy because I was entirely dissatisfied with the work that he did (as documented in this short film by Lee Kazimir), which provided me with a bunch of ridiculous results that were totally useless to me. I will probably still hire him to work in my White House, however, as he seems smart and I will need a “numbers” guy to help sort out all the boring stuff.
There are many other people I should thank, but I’ll just go ahead and give them this generic thank you: “THANK YOU.”
I will be making a major staff announcement in the next 24 hours, as well announcing a big public campaign event in New York City this Sunday morning, June 24!
Mark your calendars!