On September 9th, I appeared as part of “The Unconvention” at 92YTribeca, sharing a bill with the likes of TIME Magazine’s Joe Klein, Touré, and former U.S. Senator Evan Bayh.
I was given five minutes to say whatever I want, and I made my case to a room full of voters as to why I should be President.
This is a good example of what was missing from last night’s debate.
TONIGHT!
RATLIFF 35/2012 Press Secretary Langan Kingsley will appear with me on The Chris Gethard Show and make a major announcement regarding a thing that will start immediately after the show, at MIDNIGHT!
What is it, you ask? Tune in to the show and find out!
ALSO: I will screen my campaign’s latest ATTACK AD!
INFOMERCIAL: THE RATLIFF 35/2012 GIANT-SIZED STADIUM BLANKET!
This GIANT-SIZED Ratliff 35/2012 STADIUM BLANKET is arguably the best piece of Official Campaign Merch offered by any of the remaining candidates for President.
I make no money off the sale of these. I bought one for myself and it is honestly the softest thing I have ever owned.
I think this ad is pretty persuasive.
HIGHLIGHTS from the RATLIFF 35/2012 PRESS CONFERENCE
As covered in BlackBook Magazine, here are some highlights from my hour-long press conference in Battery Park, featuring the public debut of Langan Kingsley as the RATLIFF 35/2012 Press Secretary and the unfortunate return of fired pollster Will Hines.
The ENTIRE Press Conference video will go “live” tomorrow, just in time for celebratory 4th Of July “viewing parties.”
ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE LARRY HANKIN
Apparently, this video was sitting in a Dropbox folder for over a month, unannounced. Hey, these things happen during a frantic election campaign.
No major news is made— he is still my running mate, and he still enthusiastically thinks I am old enough to be President— but it is still historic and a pleasure to see Larry Hankin talking about the campaign.
GAME-CHANGING ARTICLE COULD BE A GAME-CHANGER
BlackBook Magazine was one of multiple major media outlets that turned out to cover yesterday’s historic Press Conference in New York’s Battery Park. Their excellent article is currently on the front page of their website and will probably win some kind of major award unless it is snubbed because people are jealous that it’s too good.
RATLIFF 35/2012 Press Secretary Langan Kingsley warned the assembled reporters not to ask any “gotcha” questions, an instruction that was often disregarded in a sometimes heated back-and-forth with the candidate that lasted almost an hour. In spite of it all, candidate Ratliff agreed that he “would be the next president” and that the media event has been a “great success.”
A FEW OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED MY CAMPAIGN SO FAR
As you may know, I’ve been running for President for almost a year, and I’ve been doing it for no money and with no organized staff, while the other candidates— including all the losers who are already OUT of the race, as I predicted— wasted literally millions of dollars for no reason.
Well, it’s June now, and I have less than 6 months until Election Day, so I’m going to start adding some campaign staff, starting tomorrow.
However, this is probably a good moment to thank some of the people who have helped my campaign so far:
CHRIS GETHARD: obviously, without Mr. Gethard and his public access talk show, I would probably have made zero appearances on television. Instead, I have made approximately dozens. I announced my candidacy on his show, which has since been praised by The New York Times. That puts me literally one degree away from being endorsed by The New York Times, which would obviously be a game changer.
LARRY HANKIN: My Vice Presidential running mate, Mr. Hankin, has been nominated for an Academy Award®, and has appeared in such notable films and television shows as: Friends, Breaking Bad, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, The Sarah Silverman Program, My Name Is Earl, Joan Of Arcadia, Monk, ER, Walker Texas Ranger, Party Of Five, The Tony Danza Show, Vegas Vacation, Home Improvement, Ellen, Star Trek: Voyager, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman, Billy Madison, It’s Pat, Step By Step, Married With Children, Mad About You, Seinfeld, L.A. Law, Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Matlock, Mr. Belvedere, She’s Having A Baby, Jake & The Fatman, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, ALF, Newhart, Hill Street Blues, The Sting II, WKRP In Cincinnati, The Jerk, Benson, Laverne & Shirley, and That Girl.
Top that, Joe Biden or whatever poor sap agrees to hang out with Mitt Romney.
SCOTT HOLMES: I don’t want to say too much about Mr. Holmes, except that he is my personal security guard. You can see him in my televised debate with Jimmy McMillan, but most of the time you won’t see him at all, until you try to mess with me. Then you’ll see his boot on your neck, because you do NOT mess with me, you dig?
MAELLE DOLIVEUX: If you have seen my campaign posters or most of my campaign merchandise, you have seen the handiwork of Ms. Doliveux. She is a foreign-born artist, and I’m saying that and just getting it out there in the open so it doesn’t come out as some sort of big scandal I have to deal with later in the year.
CASEY JOST: He just wrote and recorded my new campaign anthem, “Born To Run For President.” He keeps calling it “BORN the right year TO RUN” but it’s my campaign so I think I get to say what the song is called. The world premiere of this song happened midway through my game-changing WFMU interview last week.
CATHRYN MUDON: My personal stylist, Cathryn, is frequently absent before important campaign appearances and I have to do my hair myself. She then criticizes it, as if it wasn’t her fault that she was MIA. (There is almost no way I’m not firing her the SECOND I become President.)
MATT MAYER: When my running mate accidentally gave me the nickname “Connor Stillman” in his acceptance video, I called upon the talented Mr. Mayer to design a superhero alter ego called “STILLMAN” and he delivered this artwork less than 3 hours after I asked him to do it.
JON BERSHAD: This man deserves a Pulitzer for his early coverage of my campaign for the website Mediaite. Not part of my staff, obviously, he is a completely objective journalist in no way affiliated with the campaign. In fact, he hasn’t written a story about me in many months, which probably means he is saving up for a big Jonathan Alter-style book to be published in early 2013, right?
DYNA MOE: In addition to providing the campaign with the limited edition batch of RATLIFF35/2012 buttons (sure to become “collector’s items”), Ms. Moe provided this piece of campaign-inspired art. Please purchase her Hipster Animals merch or hire her to do art for money.
WILL HINES: Mr. Hines works for the Carter-Hurst research firm and ran a focus group for my campaign. I’m mentioning him here purely out of courtesy because I was entirely dissatisfied with the work that he did (as documented in this short film by Lee Kazimir), which provided me with a bunch of ridiculous results that were totally useless to me. I will probably still hire him to work in my White House, however, as he seems smart and I will need a “numbers” guy to help sort out all the boring stuff.
There are many other people I should thank, but I’ll just go ahead and give them this generic thank you: “THANK YOU.”
I will be making a major staff announcement in the next 24 hours, as well announcing a big public campaign event in New York City this Sunday morning, June 24!
Mark your calendars!
RATLIFF/ HANKIN 2012: ”GAFFE”
My Vice Presidential running mate LARRY HANKIN recorded a historic “acceptance” video for my campaign.
Unfortunately, he makes one significant gaffe…
RATLIFF/HANKIN 2012
In a candid moment, a documentary crew captures Presidential candidate Connor Ratliff (Age 36) practicing a possible acceptance speech. (NSFW)
RATLIFF/HANKIN 2012: “The White House Responds”
Last week, I announced that Larry Hankin was to be my Vice Presidential running mate. The White House wasted little time in making their countermove.
RATLIFF/HANKIN 2012: WE’LL BE THERE FOR YOU
In case you missed the big announcement, my Vice Presidential running mate is none other than Mr. Larry Hankin (whom you might recognize as “Mr. Heckles” the Downstairs F•R•I•E•N•D on NBC’s Friends.)
I got in touch with Larry last weekend, and he responded within hours, accepting my offer with a swiftness that indicates he will make a great President if something horrible happens to me while I am in office.
HISTORIC ACCEPTANCE E-MAIL FROM LARRY HANKIN:
Yo, Connor,
Be your Veep? Yeah, sure. As long as I don’t have to do much, which I believe is one of the standard gov. job specs for the position - so yeah: I’m in.(Question: If you win, do I have to remain your veep for the whole four years? I’d like a buy-out clause. I’ll have my lawyer stick it in. Not to worry. I’m on board. Thanks & onward to victory)
This is a Game Changer, folks. Larry is more than just one of the F•R•I•E•N•D•S. He was nominated for an Academy Award for his short film, Solly’s Diner, in 1980. He was in Home Alone, Pretty Woman, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, and Billy Madison. He was the alternate “Kramer” on the show-within-the-show on Seinfeld. He was on Breaking Bad.
BREAKING. BAD.
Mitt Romney can search all he wants for a running mate. Unless he nominates Gus Fring, he doesn’t stand a chance against our ticket. Joe Biden is old news by now, which means this is The Story Of The Year in terms of VP picks.
Larry will be 72 by the time Election Day rolls around. That’s like having two more 35-year olds on the ticket (plus two adorable one-year olds.)
We will be hearing more from Larry as the campaign goes on. For now, here is his official statement regarding my candidacy:
Connor is 36, he’s a legal citizen, he’s eligible, and I’m pretty sure he is. Other than that, I really don’t know him that well. And, as far as his experience goes - He’s been eligible for almost a whole year now so that’s gotta count for something and besides, you got to start somewhere. Therefore, unless something weird happens, I’m fine with being the vice-presidential candidate running with Presidential candidate Connor Ratliff, the Presumptive Nominee of his Party.Go Lakers.Larry H
THE ONE WHERE OBAMA COPIES ME AGAIN
So, last week, the Obama campaign took notice of my F•R•I•E•N•DS 4 VP initiative and decided to nab prominent Friends guest star (Season One, Episode 17) GEORGE CLOONEY for a big publicity dinner at Clooney’s house. The timing of this is beyond suspicious…
This week, the President took a second page from my playbook by appearing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, a New York City-based late night talk show.
I happen to appear frequently on a New York City-based late night talk show, The Chris Gethard Show. In fact, I launched my campaign there. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I have to say: you flatter me, Mr. President.
They are copying me because we are obviously doing something right. After all, we are still in this race, unlike all the people who have wasted millions and millions of dollars only to drop out. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has blown a small fortune to get where he is now, only for polls to show that even the people who LIKE him don’t like him.
Now the bad news: none of the 6 F•R•I•E•N•D•S have responded to my messages on twitter, asking them to be my Vice Presidential running mate.
I spent all day Tuesday tweeting about Cougar Town, Courteney Cox’s TV show, and I didn’t even get as much as a retweet. If she has noticed me at all, my assumption is that I must be annoying her, because she responds to all sorts of other tweets.
What’s worse is that I haven’t heard a peep from ANY of the literally hundreds of people who were ever on FRIENDS! Not one! The offer stands: if you can prove you were on an episode of Friends, get in touch with me on twitter (@35ratliff2012), okay?
Topping it all off, I am THIS CLOSE to getting banned from a Friends message board. The administrators don’t want me to talk about my campaign! They say it’s SPAM, and they keep deleting my posts! It’s really depressing.
It’s NOT Spam,
Connor Ratliff (Age 36)
The Next President Of The United States
